First off I need to say thank you to everyone who has been reaching out to me since I "came clean" about my depression. It is a hard thing feeling guilty and embarrassed about needing praise, but realizing that I am desperately in need of it. I have so many emotions that seem to opposing each other; I have a bit of a hard time figuring them out and expressing them. I have had some good days and some bad days. My focus and choices have been different which has been helping. I do have a doctor's appointment set up in a couple of weeks. Hugs to all of you who have filled my heart with love!
Perhaps in light of the past ten days, or maybe years of struggling, I have come to a realization. I can't keep my house clean. There it is, I'm laying it all on the line! Please don't judge me :( In my defense the apartment is not unhealthy or anything, but there are toys and books, etc, strewn all over. I am now giving myself permission to not beat myself up over this. I am choosing to see the things I have accomplished.
* I may not have emptied the dishwasher, but I played a game with my little man.
* I may not have vacuumed, but I let baby girl drag me along by my finger to explore grandma's house. What is that saying about how love is spelled t-i-m-e?
* I may not have picked up toys, but I do have cupcakes baking in the oven for my cute little Activity Day girls tomorrow.
* I may not have swept the floor, but I did read scriptures and pray with my kids.
* I may not have made my bed, but I did get to snuggle with little man and watch him fall asleep.
I remembered a
talk given by President Monson a few years ago (if you have a minute to read it, you should). This has stood out to me since I heard it (which is a big deal since sometimes I can't remember what we had for dinner the day before . . . .)-
"If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled will disappear all too soon and that you will—to your surprise—miss them profoundly."
To those of you who can keep your houses clean I applaud you with awe and amazement (and italics because I can't get it to turn off!). Perhaps someday I will be able to be able to be in your group :) Until then I am going to be happy with me. Right now this is how I am doing my best to follow more of the prophet's counsel-"we should make the most of today, of the here and now, doing all we can to provide pleasant memories for the future."
